I guess this has been on my mind recently, and so here I am again thinking about men, women, torah, men & women & torah.. I think about the life i lead today, I think about the ife I see around me, I think of young girls, I think of myself as a young girl, I think of the sons and daughters I hope to one day I have.. and I cant help but feel that I am so fortunate for being where I am and for seeing the way things I do. I see friends who cant understand the laws of tzniut, of shomer negya... they argue with me. I know others who know its the right thing, but struggle with it continually. I know others who have given up struggling, but continue to feel the guilt.. and the pain..
It’s such a difficult struggle, and for me the key is to remind myself of the alternative.
Sometimes I feel like a terribly judgemental and close-minded person when i say these things, that I am so thankful, so grateful, so blessed to have torah in my life, but this isn’t meant to put anyone down, or to criticize or to judge. It’s just an expression of my gratitude at having found where I belong, and wanting to share it with others I come across who are struggling with issues I feel I’ve started to make peace with.
I see the guy who is giving in to his animalistic needs, unable to control the pain he causes, I see the girl who is giving in her to her emotional needs, unable to control the pain she is feeling and I just want to shake them and let them know there is an alternative..
He's a good boy, he has a pure heart, a good conscience, a loving soul, but he spends the night with her and then ..with her and then ..her.. not unlike the rest of his peers.. and he doesnt see the harm it causes, but his soul feels it, and hes tormented, but he cant verbalize it or understand it.
She's a caring girl, a sensitive girl, she lets herself get taken advantage of, objectified. She sells herself short, she doesnt know her worth and will pay whatever price for the affection and intimacy she can get, regardless of its sincerity. deep down she feels like a commodity, but she cant accept and internalize that feeling, it goes against eveything shes been told, she manages to convince herself this is the way it needs to be, this is the way it should be.
I'm alone. i go to sleep alone. i wake up alone. i face my loneliness day in and day out. its excrutiating at times, feeling so lost and not having caring arms to throw yourself into, but i make a conscious decision, today - one day at a time - to fix the damage, to learn to appreciate my value, to take care of myself, to protect myself.
They want me to be afraid of the mysogeny of my chosen path?
They have no idea what mysogeny is. parading your body as a trophy, afraid the real you wont ever be desired. denying your protective feelings, in the hopes of finding a protector. losing your inhibitions, while craving intimacy. ending up alone, in the arms of a stranger and wondering how its possible to be so close to someone and feel so empty and alone.
you lament the fact that all the women you find are damaged goods.. who do you think damaged them?
this is the mysogeny i'm afraid of. this is the mysogeny ive left behind.
i have a treasure inside of me and i dont want it to be glanced at and poked at and manipulated and toyed with. not until my worth can be fully appreciated. this is my feminism. my body is a shield to protect my soul.
im so greatful i have torah, torah that guides me when my instincts arent able to, when my brain cant understand, when my nature refuses to. im so thankful that even when i get lost in that dark abyss of overwhelming urges, i always have access to a way out.
im so greatful for the permission to be protective of myself, the permission to desire purity, the permission to accept my deeper needs.
Not too long ago, i defiantly dragged G-d into a game of chicken. I told Him,'You fix this situation, or i wont be held accountable for my actions!'
Hashem, it's Elul again, and we meet again..
and this is my official backing down.
You called my bluff, and I swerved before we collided.
I can only thank You for giving me the strength to find the truth in me before any more harm was done.
I can only beg you to keep strengthening me and to keep reminding me that what I have worth protecting will only be that much more valuable and beautiful when the time comes.
( favorite song of the day.. and for some reason it just seems fitting... enjoy)